Whatever faculties of measured reasoning I have are most often misused. I rationalize for myself doing things that a more disciplined person would easily avoid. I'm not speaking of anything too serious, but they are nuisances, nevertheless. I cannot control my spending. I spend an average of $20 per day on food. A cup of coffee from this cafe, a sandwich from that one, then later a slice from the pizza restaurant. What fuels this spending, often enough, is marijuana consumption. I smoked a small amount from one of my glasswares while waiting for the train to University. An effect of the smoke is a stimulated apetite. It also sets me in a peculiar mood so early in the day. I gain a certain lucidity of thought from the herb. It leaves my mind more accomodating to the computations required by my program of study, or the creative musical tasks I give myself. Surely, it does not allow me any impressive endurance at any such task, but it often gives the kick I need to accomplish anything at all- having left aside the restlessness of sobriety. Having said that, marijuana leaves with me many problems as well. In fact, I attribute all the problems I have in life to the chronic consumption of this herb. A bold statement indeed. I hope to develop my reasons for thinking so in this journal. Not only in this post, certainly. When I inhale the herb so early in the day, I've learned to keep reserved anything I feel neccesssary to say, lest it should be an embarrasment. Social anxiety is one of the reproaches I have for marijuana. It causes this in me. I've wrestled with the idea of abstainting from the herb for some pre-determined period of days. I don't feel I could successfully do it.

I'm a wee bit nervous about a date I have with a girl tommorow nite. It's not a date proper, she has a boyfriend. It's a friendly meeting, we shall say. And we shall call her Natalia. We have a good, although rare rapport with one another. I wish to steal her from this boyfriend. I'm devilishly attracted to her young beauty of 18. I've yet, unfortunately, to develop any attraction to her on an intellectual level. My faculties of measured reason, I fear to admit, are being misused again. This girl, surely, would expect some sort of proper commitment/relationship, if I were to persuade her into some sort of physical romp. At this moment I feel blindly ready to give it to her, should this unlikely oppurtunity present itself. This would surely lead to many regrettable circumstances. Even now I would hesitate to bring her about with friends of my own age. Oh well. I'll march forth to dine with her tommorow, expecting fully an uneventful evening with a hint of akwardness. I'll prompt vaguely probing discussion about her boyfriend. I will smile difficultly at childish musings and gossip about her fellow schoolchildren. And I will just wish I could have sex with her.

I must retire to my studies. I have to read some material about implementing data recovery systems, network connections, and Unix file structure. I hate this material. I have an examination scheduled tommorow. I'm currently in a failing position in this particular course.